“I’ve Moved On”—The Hidden Cost of Emotional Bypassing on Ourselves in Our Relationships
Have you heard it—or said it yourself?
- “I’ve moved on.”
- “It’s done.”
- “I can’t go back again.”
These phrases sound strong. Final. Healed. They often come from a real desire to let go and move forward. But what if, underneath them, something else is happening—something that’s not about strength, but about survival?
Emotional bypassing—This is when we use seemingly positive or resolved statements to avoid pain we haven’t yet fully felt. And more importantly, how that avoidance can quietly, but deeply, affect our minds, our bodies, and the way we connect with those closest to us.
What Is Emotional Bypassing?
Emotional bypassing is the tendency to avoid or suppress uncomfortable emotions by skipping ahead to what sounds or looks like healing/resolution.
It can look like forgiveness before anger/hurt/damage is acknowledged. Gratitude before grief is honored. Progress or optimism while fear or a feeling of being stuck still churns in the body. It often shows when someone wants to be okay so badly, they try to skip the actual process of becoming okay.
We need to honor the very real need here. It’s not about being fake or dishonest. In fact, emotional bypassing often comes from a deep instinct to stay safe. If feeling the full weight of our past experiences seems too overwhelming, the mind offers a shortcut: “It’s over.” “It doesn’t matter anymore.” “I’m fine.” It’s trying to organize the pain into something more manageable.
But what’s bypassed doesn’t disappear—it just waits. Often in the body. Often in a smothering effect on our emotional or spiritual wellness. Often in our relationships.
When “I’ve Moved On” Becomes a Wall
Let’s look closer at some of the phrases we use when we emotionally bypass:
⚫ “I’ve moved on.”
It may seem like peace, but if said too quickly or too often, it can become a shield. A way of saying: “Don’t ask me to feel this.” But that shield doesn’t just block the pain—it can also block connection. When someone close to us wants to understand our story, hold space for our healing, or join us in shared pain, this phrase can shut the door on intimacy.
Exercise
Take a moment to visualize (or recall a past event) having a conversation with someone you are close to and trust. Now consider moments when that conversation drifts closer to the traumatic event you’ve experienced. Notice what happens in your body as the conversation comes closer to the traumatic circumstance. Are there feelings of fear, discomfort, pain, avoidance?
Next, notice what happens inside of you when you say, “I’ve moved on.” Watch what happens to the fear, discomfort, pain, avoidance, etc. I imagine it feels pushed away, segregated, relegated to a corner. What is happening in your body? A tenseness, sense of compartmentalization, a darknessor staleness? Now watch what happens in your close relationship. Do you feel closer to this person, in this moment? Or do you feel more distance from this person? What feelings appear to be residing in them?
⚫ “It’s done.”
Yes, the event may be over. But when we say this while our nervous system is still on edge, or when certain memories still trigger emotion, we may still be speaking from a place of closure on the outside, but chaos on the inside. And that disconnection can spill over into our emotional and physical wellness, and into our relationships—others may sense something is “off,” but not know how to reach us. Many will feel a sense of being pushed away from us. Indeed, that is exactly what is occuring. We find it intolerable to look at the chaos and pain. We not only isolate ourselves from this area of our experience, but we push others away from this area of our experienceas well. The sad reality is that we can’t push others away from a single area of our lives. If we push our loved ones away from an area of our lives, that automatically pushes them away from the whole of ourselves. There is a certain distance they at which they are kept, to protect us from re-experiencing this pain.
Exercise
Visualize creating a sturdy, closed box that holds the pain. Take that box to a safe, calm place. For me, it’s the beach; with warm sand, the heat of the sun, and gentle waves in the background. A forest may be a more fitting place for you, with the sound of the birds and a babbling brook. Or perhaps it’s a cozy cabin, with a warm fireplace, an overstuffed couch, a fuzzy blanket, something warm to drink. Whatever the safe, calm place is for you, visualize putting your hand on the box of pain. Just acknowledging its presence.
What happens inside of you? How does your body react? I feel a slight opening inside of me. An ever so slight increase in calm, relief, tenderness, and safety.
Now visualize your trusted loved one gently putting their hands on the box that holds your pain. No words are spoken. You both merely acknowledge the box together. Notice what you feel towards your trusted loved one. Although there may still be some hesitation, fear, avoidance, and/or nervousness, there may also be a feeling of increased calm, containment, closeness.
⚫ “I can’t go back again.”
This often means, “I don’t want to relive the pain.” Of course! This may have been the source of some of the greatest pain in your life! But avoiding the past altogether can create a painful fracture in the present. Parts of ourselves—and our partners, friends, or children—can feel left out, especially when they’re trying to make sense of us, to understand why we respond the way we do, or to support us and participate in deeper healing. That left out feeling, within ourselves, and between loving and trusted relationships continues to grow. This is a wall that is continuously reinforced the more we avoid emotions and deeper healing of past traumatic experiences.
Exercise
Revisit the exercise above. Stop before you bring your loved one into the loved one into the picture. This time simply hold or gently touch the sealed box of pain alone, in this calm, safe place. Acknowledge it’s existence. Observe any feelings of expansion; desires to take a deeper breath, a feeling of increased settledness. Again, the nervousness, fear, hesitation, and avoidance might still have a strong presence. But also notice an increase in otherwise quiet or infrequent sensations like calmness, openness, connectedness, and maybe even a tiny spec of hopefulness.
The Relationship Cost of Emotional Bypassing
Unprocessed pain doesn’t just live in your body. It leaks into how you relate:
- You might feel distant, even with people you love.
- You may snap or shut down over things that feel “disproportionate.”
- You might feel unseen or misunderstood—but not be sure why.
- You may struggle with emotional intimacy because vulnerability feels unsafe.
Emotional bypassing creates an invisible wall. It’s not made of malice or neglect—it’s made of untended wounds. Your work is to tend these wounds and begin to allow yourself to acknowledge their existence. With this acknowledgement, you will begin to tear down the walls, and start taking steps that cover the distance between you and your loved ones.
A Gentle Reframe
Instead of:
- “I’ve moved on,” try: “I’m trying to move forward, but I still feel echoes of what happened.” This acknowledges both parts of self that are trying so desperately to help you thrive.
- “It’s done,” try: “It’s over, but I’m still finding closure inside.” This gives your mind and body permission to hold two seemingly opposing realities - simultaneously. Yes, the event has past, but the trauma is real and infinite.
- “I can’t go back again,” try: “I don’t want to relive it, but maybe there’s something I need to reclaim.” Again, this lovingly holds two parts of yourself, the part that is fearful of the pain and it’s effects, and the part of you that knows there is even more healing possible.
These reframes don’t mean you are dwelling in pain. They are letting you meet with it, so it no longer rules you from the background—and so you can connect more honestly and deeply with yourself and those around you.
Emotional Honesty Builds Connection
The truth is: connection doesn’t come from always being fine. It comes from being real. When we give ourselves permission to feel what’s true—even if it’s messy—we invite the people who love us to meet us where we are, instead of an idealized, faux place of where we want to be. This creates in us an ability to meet them where they are, thereby promoting connection, instead of constructing walls and creating distance.
And when we stop bypassing our emotions, we often find they’re not as terrifying as we feared. Underneath the grief, anger, or fear is alonging to heal—to be whole again.
You Don’t Have to Do It Alone
If you’re noticing that you’ve “moved on” but something still lingers… or that your relationships feel more distant than they should…this could be a place to pause and look gently inward.
At Unbound Counselling, I work with people healing from spiritual abuse, intimate partner control, and deep emotional wounds that traditional language can’t always capture. If emotional bypassing has helped you survive—but you’re ready to truly heal—I’d love to walk with you.
📅 Schedule a free consultation at unboundcounselling.org
📧Or email me directly: jjmiller@unboundcounselling.org
You are not too late. You are not too broken. And you are not alone.